Right, so. My first blog in a while, and it has to be about something serious.

Go figure.
Alright…this is mostly for those who know me in real life. You know I’m a bit odd, quirky, eccentric, whatever you chose to call it, I’m not normal.

For years we thought it was schizophrenia. Reason being, I was diagnosed with it right around my 16th birthday, and shortly after, put into a mental hospital. The reason I was diagnosed? I hear voices (yes, 4 of them, and they have names, too), I see things that aren’t really there, I get really nervous when I’m outside because it just creeps me out for whatever reason, and I feel vulnerable and exposed (which isn’t fun). I have what feels like 2 seperate warring personalities in my head, one constantly telling me to kill myself, hurt myself, just constantly pushing me to just end it all. On the other hand, I have the part of me that tries to keep me busy and distracted, to keep me lost in a book, so I don’t have the chance to think about hurting myself.
So, life is interesting. I can’t trust what I hear, I can’t trust what I see, I’m constantly being insulted, second guessed, made to feel like crap…in my own head. I have no self esteem left, no self confidence. I’m constantly fighting the urge to just end things. Which brings us to this past week.
I was taken to a therapist on Wednesday the 16th, and put on suicide watch. Which meant I went with Jason to work on Thursday and Friday, and saw a psychiatrist on Saturday morning. The doctor disagreed with the diagnosis I initially received 9 years ago, and believes it to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (especially since my cognative abilities are far greater than a schizophrenic’s). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or PTSD) fits what I’ve been going through, my anxiety, my avoidance issues with certain things, my nightmares, my miscarriages, my migraines, it explains everything.
So…I’m on medication now. Lexapro and Abilify. Lexapro is an anti-depressant / anti-anxiety medication, and Abilify is an anti-psychotic. They have some side effects, but those should only last for a few days.

Point of all this being? People have been worried about me. This is an easy way to explain to everyone. I’m better at typing than talking. But… I’ll get to be myself again. I’ll be a happier person, the voices will be quieter, and I’ll be able to be in a room full of people without freaking out. I won’t mutilate myself anymore.

I’ll be free.